At press time, U.S. Air Force Capt. Jacqueline Chester was scheduled for court martial in Dover, Del., for having tested positive for cocaine; in her defense, her now-ex-husband said that during their marriage, he had occasionally rubbed cocaine on his genitals for pleasure-enhancement and that the otherwise-drug-free Jacqueline might have absorbed it through her own genital walls. [Army Times, 1-19-04]
From a Jan. 1 police report in the Gainesville (Fla.) Sun: A motorist who was clocked at 15 mph over the speed limit in Waldo, Fla., claimed that since state troopers' policy is to give a 5 mph leeway before ticketing, and since Waldo police often claim to give a 10 mph leeway, he thought the two leeway speeds could be combined to allow him to drive 15 mph over the limit. [Gainesville Sun, 1-1-04]
Lame Excuses: According to a police report in January on the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. Web site, a driver in the Newfoundland district of Bonavista-Clarenville denied that he had an illegal radar detector, claiming that the black box on his dashboard was a "moose detector" that indeed had so far kept him safe from moose. And Joseph Hubbert, 34, explained to Minneapolis police on Christmas morning that the reason he got stuck in the chimney of Uncle Hugo's Mystery Bookstore was not because he was up to no good, but because he had accidentally dropped his keys down the chimney and had to crawl down to get them. [Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, 1-12-04] [Star Tribune, 2-3-04]
In January, the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council turned down the complaint of a radio listener in Calgary, Alberta, ruling that a song by the a cappella group Da Vinci's Notebook was not necessarily obscene, in that it could also be about self-esteem. The song, "Enormous Penis," included the lyrics "I've got the cure for all my blues / I take a look at my enormous penis / And my troubles start a-meltin' away" and "I gotta sing and I gotta dance / When I glance in my pants." [Reuters, 1-16-04]
Author Irwin Schiff, at war with the IRS for years over his aggressive claims that paying federal income tax is voluntary, may finally have turned defensive. In a back-tax-collection case in Las Vegas in January, Schiff told the court in a filing that he suffers from delusions, including a fantasy that he is the only person qualified to interpret federal income tax law. Schiff's psychiatrist said Schiff has been paranoid for years, stemming from his having lost heavily in a tax shelter that turned out to be a Ponzi scheme. [New York Times, 2-7-04, 2-11-04]
Compelling Explanations
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Pigman
