The end of the Saga

[mudflap]

I spoke with him, told him how I felt. He does not feel the same way. He said there isn't anything he doesn't like about me, but he didn't feel that spark that is so essential.

I understand.

I told him that if he ever changed his mind...I'd be open to it. He said if he did, he'd tell me straight out, no games or ambiguity.

We'll still be friends, still hang out. Aside from all else, I've got a great friend.

I'm glad I did it, I feel stronger. I am hurt, a lot.

Crying alone in my livingroom.

I'll be ok. This too shall make me stronger.

[miftah]

Oh 'flap... I'm sorry.

I was rooting for you. I'm glad you're open to the hidden blessings in the situation. There are many. In time they'll reveal themselves. It'll just make it better when the right situation comes along. But I empathize with you tonight. Keep your chin up. For what its worth, I think you're pretty great.

[mudflap]

Thanks...I spent my time crying. I process these things quickly, I've learned that if I dwell on them, they will destroy me. A lot of people view this process and assume I don't care; but they couldn't be more wrong. I care so much that if I even think about bending to the pain, I will break. So, I accept and move on. I'm still hurting on the inside and I will for quite some time.

I am not over this boy, and I have strong feelings for him that may or may not be unrequited. I have a sliver of hope that not all is lost. Only time shall tell. I find it hard to accept that there is no potential here. It's just too perfect of a fit. There are too many similarities, too many moments that just click.

There's something different here, something more than I've experienced in the past and I'm not willing to let it go that easily.

I just got off the phone with him, as he had asked me during our earlier conversation if he could call and check up on me after his flight. We talked for two hours about random things, touched briefly on the events of the conversation earlier. It was a good conversation and I am comforted by the fact that I still have this incredible person in my life. Maybe in time, he will see me in a different light; but that too, I cannot dwell on.

For the moment, I shall press on. I've come to far to give up on life now.

[miftah]

I understand your healing process and it is one I have come to myself over the course of the past three years. I get the same responses.

From the outsider's perspective, I think the problem is in the very thing that you mention as why it should work: "I find it hard to accept that there is no potential here. It's just too perfect of a fit. There are too many similarities, too many moments that just click."

From my experience, I find its most often those that we are complimentary to that we end up building lasting relationships with, not those that we share so much in common with. If you're in total agreement with each other, no one is challenged and no one grows. Sort of a dead end, there.

I like that you've not given up hope, but I am slightly concerned that you might hold onto this relationship in a fashion that might prove unhealthy. Be careful not to allow yourself any illusions that this will go any further than where it is today. If it happens, and he's wrong, then you'll be pleasantly suprised. If he's right and it goes no further, then you will have known to expect it. I don't suggest the possibility of this because I suspect it likely of you. I speak from my own tattered experience in the unrequited, and I just wish to caution anyone from this end. I've been there too many times.

Be careful that you don't cause yourself further pain by imposing unrealistic expectations on a situation that is, on the surface, fairly clear cut. You both did youself a favor by dealing with this situation with candor. Don't go back on that policy now. Again, see my caveat to this at the end of the above paragraph.

Most important, you're right to value this guy as a good friend (I like that he called to check up on you), and even when someone doesn't end up being the one, a good friend is always good to have. Take care of that friendship. It may be of greater value than even a boyfriend.

[mudflap]

I am hopeful that I can maintain this friendship while keeping the possibility of something more tucked away.

I believe that I can. I believe that I can maintain without any difference in my actions. This may all change when I actually see him again. I may not be able to handle that. I just don't know. There are tears forming as I type at the thought of seeing him.

It's rather amusing though, as I am crying and laughing at the same time because I am listening to Lewis Black. I heart Lewis Black, as he makes me giggle.

I'm still sad. I tear up when I think about him. I have such a feeling of loss. There is a part of me that wishes I weren't so sensitive, but in hindsight, I am grateful for my sensitive nature. It's taught me so much.

Eventually, I suppose I'll get over him. But at the moment, all I can think about is how wonderful I feel around him and how he's so passionate about the things he cares about.

My heart is heavy today.